||[Feb. 11th, 2006|11:09 pm]
I had my third abortion two weeks ago and I am so relieved.
I posted about my first one here right after I joined before I was a mod.
My second one was in August, a result of mine and my husband's second anniversary, when we were a little too tipsy and a too careless. I knew I wanted to have an abortion the minute I found out. I waited to make the appointment though, so my husband could come to terms with it. He's always known about my first one, and been wonderfully supportive. But he had never had to go through the experience before and I wanted to let him come to terms with it and not be angry. We love kids. We'd have a whole brood if I handled pregnancy better. When I was pregnant with our daughter I was sick all the time and had so many complications that I was on bed rest for the last quarter of my pregnancy. I had more complications during delivery, and almost died if it weren't for the emergency surgery I had to go through 6 hours later to remove the blood clot that was causing me to swell and go into toxic shock. After that we both swore we'd never go through it again. I'm also the major source of income in our family and we'd be devastated financially if I had to go on bed rest for any period of time. I didn't want this.
When we found out we were pregnant again it was a shock. He kept saying "everything happens for a reason" as his way of saying that this pregnancy was "meant" to be. But he saw how scared I was and he was able to look at it rationally and finally said to me "I'd rather have my wife here and whole than put our family through another pregnancy." He'll never know how grateful I am that he understood. I made my appointment at the cheaper of the two private clinics here in town. And it's true you get what you pay for. There was only the doctor and one nurse, and both were so frazzled that the wait was 6 hours. There were no pain killers except a muscle relaxant, and I honestly don't remember which one. My husband came with me to the appointment and tried to make an effort at talking to the other people in the waiting room, because we were all there for the same thing, but no one was really responsive to him. He commented to me later that I was the most comfortable woman there and that when I came out I was happily chatting with the nurse and not hysterical. We both knew we did the right thing.
I found out I was pregnant again at the beginning of January. I had started using the Nuva ring after the second abortion, but like all hormonal birth control I've tried (and I've tried it all, Depo, three types of pills, and now the ring) it made me crazy. Bouts of depression, lashing out, unexplainable anger, horrible migraines, so I stopped taking it. When we found out again, there was no real discussion, I told him I was going to make the appointment and he asked if I wanted him to come. I had to wait until I got paid to make the appointment since my insurance that I pay out the ears for doesn't cover "elective abortions". I think I was more angry about that than anything, sure I was choosing this, but it was either the abortion or 5 months of bedrest and economic devistation. Some "election". That morning our daughter was sick so I had a friend drop me off at my appointment so my husband could stay home with her. There were a few protesters hanging out on the sidewalk, and she honked and waved at them. It was amusing to see their reaction. I signed in and waited. I brought my knitting with me and I thought how ironic it was that I was in the abortion clinic waiting room with knitting needles, and when "Let's get it on" came on over the radio I laughed because, well that's why we were all there. I have an odd sense of humor. This time I chose the second clinic here and I was glad I did. Everyone at the clinic was wonderful. Supportive, understanding, took the time to talk to you, very caring. The ultrasound technician informed me that I was 10.5 weeks along rather than the 6.5 I had calculated. She shrugged it off, telling me that it's common and that I must've had a period while I was pregnant. But it scared me. Another week and I would have had to pay double and in other areas of the country wouldn't have even been able to have the abortion with out traveling out of state (my state is not one of those thankfully). I spent the entire time with the counselor talking about creative ways to get rid of protestors and my job, she wanted to know what a biologist was doing at a construction site. They told me that the doctor doing the procedure that day was flown in from Dallas once a month to help out and that made me sad. When I was done I called my husband to come pick me up and went home and fell asleep.
I'm glad that it's over and am making the first available appointment to get a Paragard put in, I don't want any more surprises. My husband and and I have suffered no ill effects in our marriage like many people trying to scare women out of having abortions will say happens. I'm not ashamed, I'm happy. I'm not being destroyed by some imagined guilt, I'm enjoying being a good parent to my existing child.